Come to India, Richard!

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Dear Richard,

That you can be an exceptional player is evident from the matches you played in 2005. You got worse with each passing month and are now losing to players like Seppi and Querrey. There have been calls for you to toughen up, fight harder, etc.. but you know where the problem lies. Its with the stupid French federation that places unreasonable demands on its players. And that Guy Forget – someone everyone would like to forget if he wasn’t the davis cup team captain.

If you decide that you had enough of this nonsense, I invite you to take refuge in India and play for India.

Currently the Indian players are
Prakash Amritraj – No. 252
Rohan Bopanna – No. 308
Som Dev Varman – No. 783

So even if you drop out of the top 100, you will still be highest ranked player in the country. And so be automatically selected to play Davis Cup. But no worries, no one will expect you to win it, just keep India in the world group and the Indian Tennis Federation would be more than happy to induct you into its Hall of Fame. If you didn’t know there is a 38 yr old maniac in the team past his prime who considers winning a tennis bronze medal in Olympics an achievement. I think you get the idea of how low the expectation would be in India. It’s different for the one with boobs though, but they won’t bother you as long you make sure your English remains incomprehensible and don’t market yourself at all.

The Indian crowds are easy to handle. They will be busy with the IPL and *ollywood, so you won’t find anyone except families of tennis association members in the matches you play. Add to that, not many here in India have heard of you. So they won’t be hoarding you with requests for signatures or pictures. You would go unnoticed totally, except for me wishing you well occasionally.

The Indian press has no idea about any players other than the top 3 idiots. So they should leave you alone. The Indian blogdom has stupid mofos like this guy who read Peter Bodo, listen to John McEnroe and blur the distinction between brilliance and dodgy display. There would be no TV coverage of the games you play with the exception of Davis Cup ties, which you shall play blindfolded against Pakistan, Thailand and such shit.

There is no risk of getting too homesick, because if I remember right they still speak some French in Pondicherry. And then there’s the internet where you can catch your favourite French shows. Anyway, you will be traveling through the season. The downside is of course, bad training facilities, no paid coach etc., but I think you should be able to take care of it.

All in all, it looks advantageous for you to drop France. India awaits you.

(courtesy: My Austrian Friend, Puschkin)

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