The Maanga

Richard was born to play tennis. Not just him, his father, his grandfather and whoever had this Gasquet as their last name. Why not, It rhymes perfectly with Racquet in English.

Centuries of frustration of Gasquets at not having had the chance to play tennis, has mutated their tennis gene and gave special powers to little Gasquet. All that is now required is to grow some balls.

Some pseudo tennis experts ridicule him of not being able to defend his semifinal points from last year. I am happy that he played much better than last year. He wouldn’t have gotten past the first round if he played like he played like he did against Roddick last year.

Since little Gasquet has just now discovered the art of playing without losing the match or the admiration of the girl who declared that he had an unusually attractive technique for a backhand, he is tinkering around with it. He did it against Simon, escaped unscathed. He tried it against Murray, some balls really, but the crowd didn’t like it and Murray is no Simon.

Gasquet is well on track for a record 15 Grand Slams and what’s required are little tweaks.

One: Read Ayn Rand

I know the old lady spills drivel through out her romantic fictions, but it does help useless swines to get into ‘me against the world’ mode. Gasquet could do well with that attitude on the court.

Two: Kick papa Gasquet in the butt

He kicked his coach. I am happy. I wish he extended that courtesy to papa too. What kind of father prefers his kid to be a nice guy than to be a world beater. Only a French father.

Three: Stop the Grass delusion

Clay is where Gasquet plays his best. Perhaps the only one who can save clay court tennis from the horrendous mug called Nadal. No one’s a good grass player now. Not even Fed. Fed just happened to be at the right place at the right time to win 5 of those overrated cups that he uses to crap when Mirka hogs up his million dollar toilet for one whole day. The only reason they still hold Wimbledon is because the Queen needs to pick herself up once in a while to exercise her wrinkled arse.

Four: Play at the Chennai Open next year

I hope he does.

I love Richard Gasquet.

Watching him is like watching a Russian blonde having sex in a plane that runs out of fuel mid air. You don’t care that the odds of her surviving are next to nothing, and you want to watch until she screams to her climax.

But the problem with my Gasquet love is, I lose my interest in a tournament when he goes out.

So with that in mind, I am going to rewatch the Hulk tomorrow, as only a mutant Dr. Banner can give me the sort of violent art that Monsieur Gasquet has robbed me of by losing to Murray.

So it happens that I am allowed to ridicule players without ever having to win a Grand Slam myself, but should construct a nice argument to back up my point. Nice try sam, but good luck searching for a reader that feeds you only Nilu’s and avataram’s posts.

Now on to the the post itself.

Robert Dee is my hero, but Smeets came very close to knocking him off the perch two days ago. Now I hate the Aussies, especially when they are from Queensland and taller than 180 cm, but anyone who can take a game off Berdych serving at 46% and still manage to lose inside an hour surely deserves a pat on the back. The last thing Berdych needs is another juicy bagel while humping Safarova.

Also Kohlschreiber found that not everybody on tour plays like Roddick.

Gasquet decided to spare himself of the humiliation of losing to the worst French player by pulling out at the last moment. Apparently, Gasquet woke up with a broken knee on the day of the match.

Meanwhile, good friend Baghdatis is giving Gasquet some nice company by losing to an Italian who almost lost to a desi in the last Grand Slam.

Some nice revenge for Soderling too, thrashing the Nadal wannabe, Monaco, who has decided to sue Tsonga for his early withdrawal leaving him as the unlucky 13th seed. I am beginning to suspect that he might have a point after the could-have-been 13th seed Robredo played far above his natural grinding style to beat the former clay great Coria.

And Nadal looks like walking into a repeat of what he thinks cost him last year’s Wimbledon. Not sure if the French hate him enough to cram 3 matches inside 3 days, against Youzhny, Nalbandian and Djokovic. Seems to me its Federer’s best chance to win the French Open with a cup cake draw this year.

I have a feeling it will be Davydenko this time. Long time since we’ve had a bald Grand Slam champion.

Dear Richard,

That you can be an exceptional player is evident from the matches you played in 2005. You got worse with each passing month and are now losing to players like Seppi and Querrey. There have been calls for you to toughen up, fight harder, etc.. but you know where the problem lies. Its with the stupid French federation that places unreasonable demands on its players. And that Guy Forget - someone everyone would like to forget if he wasn’t the davis cup team captain.

If you decide that you had enough of this nonsense, I invite you to take refuge in India and play for India.

Currently the Indian players are
Prakash Amritraj - No. 252
Rohan Bopanna - No. 308
Som Dev Varman - No. 783

So even if you drop out of the top 100, you will still be highest ranked player in the country. And so be automatically selected to play Davis Cup. But no worries, no one will expect you to win it, just keep India in the world group and the Indian Tennis Federation would be more than happy to induct you into its Hall of Fame. If you didn’t know there is a 38 yr old maniac in the team past his prime who considers winning a tennis bronze medal in Olympics an achievement. I think you get the idea of how low the expectation would be in India. It’s different for the one with boobs though, but they won’t bother you as long you make sure your English remains incomprehensible and don’t market yourself at all.

The Indian crowds are easy to handle. They will be busy with the IPL and *ollywood, so you won’t find anyone except families of tennis association members in the matches you play. Add to that, not many here in India have heard of you. So they won’t be hoarding you with requests for signatures or pictures. You would go unnoticed totally, except for me wishing you well occasionally.

The Indian press has no idea about any players other than the top 3 idiots. So they should leave you alone. The Indian blogdom has stupid mofos like this guy who read Peter Bodo, listen to John McEnroe and blur the distinction between brilliance and dodgy display. There would be no TV coverage of the games you play with the exception of Davis Cup ties, which you shall play blindfolded against Pakistan, Thailand and such shit.

There is no risk of getting too homesick, because if I remember right they still speak some French in Pondicherry. And then there’s the internet where you can catch your favourite French shows. Anyway, you will be traveling through the season. The downside is of course, bad training facilities, no paid coach etc., but I think you should be able to take care of it.

All in all, it looks advantageous for you to drop France. India awaits you.

(courtesy: My Austrian Friend, Puschkin)

I have never asked this question myself, and have always responded to it with typical shallow reasons like ‘he can beat Federer’, ‘his backhand is good’, ‘he is French’, but in one stroke of genius my friend gave me the answer.

He has a bow shaped leg, just like I have. It also explains why I like Agarkar, for a different reason though.

This is besides the Newton’s fourth law that states that ‘Gasquet generates the greatest pace with precision and penetration on his backhand’.

Here’s what will happen at Madrid and Paris Masters 2012.

Djokovic bt Gasquet (1) 26 76 76 in the final of Madrid masters and ends his drought of Masters series titles since his last win way back in 2007 at Cincinnati.

Djokovic beats Gasquet AGAIN!!!

Djokovic bt Gasquet (1) 64 76 in the third round of Paris Masters and sets up QFs with Marin Cilic. Gasquet, who has already booked his fourth consecutive year end number 1 will have the opportunity to rest ahead of the year end masters where Donald Young, John Isner, Andy Murray and Marin Cilic have already qualified. Djokovic’s win comes on the same day when Donald Young defeated Rafael Nadal and mathematically denied any chance of Djokovic making the cut this year.

Gasquet with 14 GrandSlam titles, one shy of breaking Pete Sampras’s record and 2 clear of his immediate rival Roger Federer, who is languishing outside the top 100 now, will have the chance to make a record 10000 ATP championship points if he wins all his matches in the year end championship. Experts are already hailing the young Frenchman as the best thing to happen to tennis since inventing the game. Rafael Nadal, who has recently married and fathered a cute baby girl, says “I always knew that Richie had something special in him. He deserves to be among the best in tennis. But for me, Federer will always be the greatest player in tennis.” Nadal, who was a force in tennis not long back lost all his aggression since Toni Nadal, his uncle, deserted him in favour of Mirka 5 years ago.

Gasquet:
He’s just had his first full year without any major injury on the ATP and thanks to insipid performances by fellow ATP mugs managed to finish in the top 8. The next year, though should be a lot more challenging. He has almost no points to defend until Wimbledon and could be making his way into top 5 by the end of next year if he keeps up the aggression he showed towards the end of this year. His brilliant clay court game should take him to atleast one masters series title. Or even sweet, a French Open.

Nadal:
The biggest mug there is. But thanks to his bandana, long hair, muscles and primal screams, he comes across as someone with a lot of intensity. Sadly none of it shows in the defensive tennis he plays and makes it a pain to watch. He should probably win the French Open again, unless Gasquet steps it up. As for the other tournaments, he’ll make sure that his opponents spend a lot of time on the court with his time wasting tactics even if he loses the match. He should hold his number 2 ranking next year.

Djokovic:
The biggest surprise of this year may not have a successful next year. Unimaginative play, excessive aggression and losing of his mojo should push him a couple of ranks down but there’s always his injury time out tactic that saved him from atleast 4 important games this year. I only hope he uses that with discretion. And its time he tells his parents not to mouth off about him being more talented than Federer. He’s not even close.

Federer:
Who cares about this prick anymore.

Nalbandian:
Along with Murray - injury, form and motivation included, is the man likely to finish inside the top 3 next year. Clearly has one of the best backhands on the planet Earth and an aggressive return of serve and almost no known weakness except a penchant for having burgers between sets. Its time he won a grandslam.

Ferrer:
Clearly the most improved player in the later half of the year. It remains to be seen if it was a flash in the pan.

Honourable mentions to Baghdatis, Ancic and Monaco for completing the top 10.

Although many recall his twin defeats of Sampras and Agassi on an ultra fast carpet to finish the millenium as world no.1, I always remember Gustavo Kuerten fondly by replaying the match where he fought the odds and injury to overwhelm Federer in 2004 RG.

On the eve of the match, there was this injury cloud hanging over and Kuerten, who missed a good part of the last two years nursing his hip injury, was almost ready to give up on the hopeless prospect of trying to beat a man who was almost unbeatable in 2004. As a hardcore Kuerten fan, and a touchy Federer fan I was only too happy to see both of them stroll into the court after much speculation.

What followed was perhaps the best exhibition of clay court tennis since Albert Costa won the French Open in 2002. Federer had no idea how to play Kuerten as the backhand drives kicked up on this throat time and again and he was caught in no man’s land trying move forward and back. Kuerten went for broke to avoid playing longer and aggravating injury and it worked with Federer getting increasingly defensive as the match went on. The match ended 6/4 6/4 6/4 in Kuerten’s favour and raised hopes of a decent finish for 2004 only to squashed by Nalbandian in the next round. French Open has never been the same since.

The closest a Gasquet match came to match this high was when he defeated James Blake at Paris Indoor masters 2 months ago.

I understand that your powers of deduction have suffered badly since joining the Fed cult. Its only natural. Since you’ve managed to make an imaginary link between the stupidity of your cult and beauty in Federer’s game, I wish to bring to your kind notice that I hadn’t indicated anywhere that Fed’s game isn’t beautiful.

I was merely trying to drive home that I watch tennis because I love the game and the freaks that it accommodates, not to gloat over someone else’s achievement or even care to acknowledge it in the face of his overexcited and clueless fans, like you.

As for Gasquet, he truly is a special player. For instance, try digging up your infinite knowledge on tennis to come up with a player whose gameplan revolved around his one handed backhand.

Also, watch Tommy Haas, Olivier Rochus, Hyung Taik-Lee, Younes Al Aynaoui and let me know if you find their games any less beautiful than Federer’s.

It is quite obvious that since the affable brazilian semi-retired in 2004 (shortly after thumping the ego-king in Roland Garros) there hasn’t been a worthy champion in tennis. Federer has managed to make most of this conspicuous absence of a champion to add meaningless grand slam titles to his name - most notably, the overrated Wimbledon. Since scores of paper and bandwidth have been wasted in comparing Federer with another equally presumptuous prick - Sampras, whose definition of a great forehand is pushing it in faster than most pushers in tennis and considering the consensus is already reached on Sampras’ inadequacy in handling top spin off the backhand, I shall just list my top four reasons to hate Federer:

p.s. affable brazilian - Gustavo Kuerten and Ego-King - Mr. Federer.